Reality

Flesh
Sin
Death

Selfishness begets the desires of flesh
Desires of the flesh bring sin
Sin brings death

Sadness
Loneliness
Lost

Sadness makes one feel alone
Loneliness sharpens the feeling of wandering lost
Wandering lost brings new pain

Sin the ultimate distractor
Lies so easy to believe
leave me alone tempter

Strength drained
Life over
Somber silent sleep

Reawaken oh spirit
Remember thy first love
Look away from self

Save me God

Loosing ground

Looking into the wreckage
of a situation handled on my own power
I wonder what can I learn
What does it mean

I can handle things on my own
I can blindly walk without you
I can let my emotion take over

Each time I choose this path
Here I stand
Lost on the brink
staring into the wreckage

Teach me to trust you
Teach me to understand
without you I am lost
without you I am destroyed

random by design

Have you ever seen someone
Just to watch it all leave
Then it comes back
Then you remember how beautiful it all was
Then you remember that you miss what it was
Then you remember that God has a plan
Then you remember.

Yea I know that feeling
Yea I know that longing
Yea I know that tune
Yea I know

Lack of words to describe how beautiful it all is
We only see the bad in things that hurt
There is joy in what we don't have
God has a great master plan and I love it
God has to much for me to cry
God is to great for me to be sad
God is

God is
yea I know
yea I remember

Musings

It is so easy to get down from life.
It is so easy to search in all the wrong places.
It is so easy.

I want it to be hard
Hard to live for God
Hard to choose what is right
Hard to forget who I have been purchased to be.
Hard to forget

I am who I am
I have been other than that
I never want to be again
I want to be me
I want you

I want you to come
I want you to live in me
I want you to shine in this world

Sometimes I forget to look at you
The world seems like a dismal place
I forget who has created it
Who has redeemed it
Who has given grace
I forget

Then you remind me
Who I am
Who you are
Who I have become because of you
You remind me of grace
Then all is beautiful again

The world is beautiful
Full of Grace
So full of you
So full

Praise God Screams the sky
Praise God protests the ground
Praise God all creation
Praise God people who have the likeness of God
Praise God

Glory

if the earth could see you what would it say?
Glory to the God most high?
Holiness he is filled with?
Could we even recognize you?

Our eyes and our heart
Can they comprehend?
We run so far to deny the obvious
We Look so high to find anything but you.

God that is about us
Not about you
I want to sing your song
your praise
I wish to loose myself alone
singing in eternity the joy of your salvation
The beauty of your plan
The holiness of your name
The grace of your sacrafice
The wonderment of you
The glory that you own
God glorify yourself
The rocks cry
the earth shakes
you made it all
you........

incapable

It is quite amazing when you finaly realize that you are incapable
It is delivering to know
It is scary to know
It is redeming to know
It is hope to know
It is peace to know
It is grace to know
It is love to know
It is to know

God you have redemed me
You have given your son for me
You shed your own life blood for me
You took on the body of a lowly human for me

More than this

You took on the lowly body of a human for you
You gave your son for you
You gave your life blood for you
I stand in awe

You are God
The God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob
The lion of Judah
Jesus Christ is your son
He died for My and our sins
He rose again
You are God.

slow dance

left
right
left left
right

round this room we turn
circling the coffin of our grave
what is it to churn
looking for that thing I crave

back
forth
back back
forth

I hate this slow dance
neverending pain of death
why can't we wake from this trance?
so drink to your health

up down
left right
back forth

Exemption

Cast all that aside she said. "Don't you see?" It was so obvious that Cassy couldn't comprehend why he didn't understand. The crimson color of his clothing, the scarlet dying his cheeks, and of course the change in character so unlike him. "Can't you see? The change is real I can see it in your face and hands, your clothing, your very being has been brightened."
"All I see are the blemishes of my past." Jake replied, "there is nothing special here, I don't see what you think is so glorious. You say that Jesus washed me completely clean of sin! You promise me that I am clean within! What do I see? Nothing, there is no cleanliness in me, I see the truth, my sin has stained my clothing and my body. The rags I wear haven't been made new. You speak only lies, you are a false prophet of a false God!"
Cassy looked away wiping tears away from her eyes. "I am sorry", she said softly, "I have failed you." Slowly she walked away from him broken and striving to see why that heartache had been given her. As she wandered the paths of the broken down palace her silent argument ran forth from her mind. "Why God? How could you send me some where that I don't belong among people who don't want to know the truth. You have placed me in a field of unfertile soil with the instruction of reaping a harvest. Why God?!?" Desolate she wandered the streets of that crude place. Filled with filth of the worst sorts. It truly was the Sodom and Gemorah of modern day. Lust and Greed were evident everywhere. It was commonplace to see the worst offenses against humanity and God. This was the unloveable of all society, these were the most hard hearted hateful people in all of God's creation. "Why God? Have I displeased you? Is this punishment for some sin I have committed against you?" There was no answer for Cassy. All she heard or saw or felt was the helpless ness of her plight. She could only see the physical plain on which she lived. With nothing left she slowly walked home along the worst street of them all. The street where the fakers lived, or as they liked to call themselves upper society. They choose to ignore all that was around them trying with all their might to maintain the illusion that the broken down palace was a good place. Ignoring the hurt and pain that was part of everyday life. The street of the fakers was whitewashed every morning to wipe away the stains of society. They meticulously scrubbed and disinfected every possession they owned to keep the filth out. This was Cassy's street. The fakers were her neighbors. She walked down the street and by this time was accustomed to the condemnation she received from fellow believers. Her own people did not understand why she went to the slums everyday. They could not comprehend, so they assumed that she was backslidden. They all kept the opinion that she was involved in the most unsavory of deeds in the slums.
Cassy no longer cared or even listened to their jibes and remarks. She had grown accustomed to them. The pain she felt was far worse than anything the fakers could have said to her. She was alone in this place with a burden that was impossible to fulfill. "I am lost and there is no one who will save me. Where did the joy go? I remember when I first was assigned this task, I could not wait. Life was different then. I actually felt God, he was here and he cared for me. Now all I have is the burden with no way to fulfill it. I am destitute!" Even as that particular thought crossed the threshold of her mind Jake appeared in her minds eye. It was he who had, a short while ago argued that there indeed was no change in himself. His arguments against the power of God attacked and destroyed her own pity party.
"Dear God I am a weak and unbelieving sinner. If I am to continue with this burden I ask and pray that you will renew in me each day the awe of your holines, the greatness of your sacrafice, and the immensity of your character. I alone am nothing this place where I have been called is not my own, neither are the words I speak. Forgive me the lack of understanding your soveriengty."
There was nothing immense or awe inspiring in her prayer. Nothing that could be written down and used in liturgies for years to come. No this prayer was simple and direct. It was an appeal from subject to king. It was overwhelming and releasing. Cassy could breathe once again free of doubt or dispair. God had once again one the battle.

Running

the darkness within
running away
chasing that path
trying to outwit
being so clever
crying that pain
waiting for release
which does not come.

how to face
answer so simple
hard to bear
let go
quit playing
let go
quit pretending
let go
goodbye...........
the end

Troy

God you brought us together
For some divine purpose
humans all fell apart
what left do we have?
I was the leader
who let his group fall apart
God can you restore it?
so much I could have done
I did not
what now?
Troy I failed you as a friend,
supposed leader,
and brother
forgive me?
God I failed you at something you gave me
I am sorry.

patience

Longing
or
desire

Nothing
good
comes

patience
and
peace

allows
heart
breath

trust
and
faith

God
has
control

Force

I am going to break the code once again, since I can not think of any good poems or at least poems that I don't mind writing I think I am just going to post some thoughts. What have I been thinking? Home that is an interesting comment you see I spent almost all of the day in the library today reading a book that parallels very loosely the act of Jesus dying for our sins. It was a loose jumble of what has happened and what is praised to happen with the second coming. It was quiet interesting to read a good book to read in itself. Add to that the deeper meanings of some of the "symbology" of the book and it becomes a thinker. The main plot behind the book is a bunch of people who live in the complete dark day and night. They live by the sea and die by the sea. There is nothing but momentary flashes of light to brighten there world. There religion is based on one who comes from the world above (they live in the depths of the earth) to show them the light. This man will bring forth their ascent to the light above and to real life once again. This is quite obvious to the Jews, it even parallels us as well, they walked in the spiritual darkness without having received the light and salvation of Christ yet. Once the light came no one recognized it. The Jesus figure of the book was a crippled disfigured little man who could not even walk on his own two feet. He had to use canes to move. This cripple who no one understood and who always spoke in riddles comes to be at the end of the book salvation for all those who would accept it.

Why am I posting this? I am not truly sure myself other than my heart has been stirred lately. I don't know what else to do. It seems sometimes that I have no outlet in too which I can share these thoughts. Even if I did it seems that my words would not suffice to communicate the depths of longing in my heart. Have you ever longed so dearly for something that was completely out of reach? Do you ever starve for the truth but find only shadows and glimpses? Do you long for the whole light only to catch glimpses and reflections? Right about now I am wondering what my title has to do with this post. Well maybe it is the ever unchanging force behind all things. That mysterious force that compels us onward at the same time it feels narrowly out of reach. Something just out of grasp flickering just beyond the edge of our sight. This haunting presence wills me to follow more closely to what I know is true, to believe the promises of one who was and is born of spiritual light. This thing reminds me that there is a God who is much bigger than I. It reminds me of what I am. A lost child, a lonely recluse, a man searching for purpose bigger than himself, A human that has to believe that we can live in unity with each other. A being that has been given hope even when he has only grief.

Who has granted me this transformation? How can such a man who comes from such sordid a past claim such things? It is something I can not answer. It is a free gift something that I could not acquire. No. This was a gift of a God who is righteous but at the same time loving. A God full of mercy and wrath at the same time. A God that seems a vast complex of Ironies. It is something I can not claim. It is something I can not even truly explain. It is the miraculous.

redemption

A man stood for what was right and did no wrong.
We killed him.
Many years later I see you.
something new
the joys of this world did not last,
instead I am here a fleeting wreck.
once again the man returns
I don't know his face
but he promises life.
I see my ruin and believe
there has to be more.
who is this man?
what right does he have
to say that he can offer me something more than I am?
the real question from a real human.
The world promises life and love.
But brings only death.
it keeps you tight wrapped in sastisfaction
but soon it will leave you balling in the wreck of what brought you satisfaction.
who are you to offer me satisfaction of all things?

a letter to God

dear God, I feel it now. this knowledge of something I can not know. A burden for something personal and true. God if your glory is so present in this world you created release me from this place of impersonality. I want to shine I want to talk with you as a father and son. God I want you. I am nothing more than an empty shell. sitting here typing words without you. If I need you so than how can I live without you? I am nothing short of dead without your breath. It was that breath that brought me from the dust, do not deprive me of it now. Heal me from my iniquities. Heal me from the wounds of others. God mold me unto your character. Guide me in your ways. God rather than all of this your will be done. I am nothing and you truly are everything. All that I wish could not even compare to a day in your plan. My wants and needs are secondary to the great love of Christ. Keep this strong within my bones. Let my will fade from this place. let my heart beat with unison to your song. Let my eyes shine with the glory of a risen king. Let me feet travel to the whisper of your love. Let my ears follow the proclomation of your will. Let me follow you sad and rag covered as I am. I deserve nothing from you, I do not ask out of belief that I should recieve. Rather I ask because you are God. I ask because you have stired in my heart the hope of salvation, salvation from self and this world. I ask because I believe. I ask because there is nothing else I can do. I am completely at your mercy there is nothing else I can do but bow and submit my requests. Do not forsake me the wretch that I am. I will not survive. hear my cry o father. Hear my heart tear. O praise you...... take this heart Dear God... Take this heart....

Letter

I sit here amazed
who are you?
I feel your very touch
it reaches down through my spirit
my days feel inadequate
Trajedy of life
watching from a viewpoint
hoping and waiting for a change
Oh dear one
to you I cry
oh father carry me
keep this life
reach me now
oh please reach me now.

alone

I miss you but you wont leave me alone
I see you but you don't seem to disappear
you charge me to condone
But I will never adhere

I have lost all words to find the meaning
searching endlessly for a picture to demolish
Irony of plain sight being simple
it all comes down to this
nothingness
everything is meaningless chase after the wind.

confusion

I want to talk to you,
but what to say?
I can don nothing so I give it to you
I am so unable
please be with us and lead us.
by you we will be able to survive

Mexico

what is the point of life?
a question I ask myself so often.
do I want to merely provide for my family?
Do I want more from this life?
Can I merely seek what is good for me and maybe a family?
I want so much more.
I live for the closeness to God.
I wish to walk with him in the Garden.
I wish to know that I walk in service to him.
I wish to help his people.
Can I do that without serving?
Can I do that while working in the states?
I want to leave to go places, to see new wonders of God.
To live while knowing the only way I survive is by God alone.
I wish to seek the lowest and highest. My life for theirs.
I hope I recieve this joy someday.
For now I sit at this school and prepare for something.
taking classes that make no sense but trusting.
I believe you God.
Don't prove me wrong please.

Shark attack

Another one bites the dust,
one left.

enough

Life has many challenges
some smaller than others
I am sick of this
sick of seeing something
sick of hearing the cries behind my own ears
seeing actions and translating images
I am sick of this group so loud
singing in my ear
then leaving me to fear
alone quiet and somber
I don't need that
I don't need something that isn't real
I have those few whether they are hardly there or not
you see I don't need your fake friendships, just because I am close to one then I'm treated nice
but I am not one, just a person who tags along. Well I dont need that
Take it all back
take your crap and sell it somewhere else.
I have my heart torn enough I am not going to try to survive you
just to be a part of a group that overlooks all those that it doesn't accept
A group that is inclusively exclusive
take a rest from your selfs look outside see the rest.
I am guilty just like you
but maybe someday I can live without those borders
I don't want them any more

meaningless

pointless
wasteful
life?
weird to think about
changes your point on life

thoughts

running from thought
out of thought comes the heart
fear what could be sought
run from, hide, depart

can't help but hear
sounds just like me
someone sitting behind
speaking her mind
sounds just like me
don't let it near

Life is more
something I never thought
deep at the core
something sought

give thanks

what are we here for?
could we ask for more?
there is so much we do not see.
we are so much more than we should be.
days ago I felt lost
today I see his cost.
outside rain pours down
it reminds me of his crown.
thorns burning on his brow
fold me into solem bow.
my heart pondering all that I was
not realizing that because
of his heart
no longer is it my part.

HOlY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl

Lifes like that
more to say, nothing to do
want to talk to you.
lifes like that

watching from a distance
wishing the realization of someday
writing encless words of clay
worthless without your glance

who's to say?
whats to do?
Listless churning
questions burning

Let me see
what we could be
or perhaps run away
please don't stay

Lifes like that
more to say, nothing to do
want to tallk to you
lifes like that

Trust

Left or right?
direction seems clear
follow with all your might
and let go of all you hold so dear
alas this direction hurts I fear
forget this path so tright
distant far from here
Leave the fight

Rememeber the way